The Dark Gate | Trusting the Sacred Withholding (part five of five)

Sometimes, painfully, its a hard no from the universe.

Hot on the heels of releasing my financial soul contracts at the Silver Gate of Aldebaran, I thought I should try something a little more proactive...something a little manifesty... It's all well good to release but how about bringing in and attracting? In this particular case - wealth and abundance - without the anxiety, the gripping, the legacies of 'the good daughter'.

I put together a small constellation...

My old self - I felt it dissolving away, I pulled The King of Pentacles card and saw an old king weighed down by thick robes, gold pointless objects, useless symbols of power, his foot resting on a living creature. I let that dissolve and fall away, all that weight.

My new self - feather light, cross-legged on the earth, hand on heart, breathing in sunlight. The Two of Air card - vulnerability, breath, the divine in the inhale.

The new wealth - it shimmered with promise, it pulsed in my veins like it already flowed in me but then seemed stuck...my body too heavy for it, my jaw clenched, my back stiff. The answer came in The Fool card - move yourself, adventure out, step lightly in the world, carry nothing.

The field of wealth-attraction - A heart-shaped pendant and as I held it I became a dog tracking a scent—focused, alive in the chase. The Ace of Air - this is love, clarity. Follow what the wind carries.

The holding structure, (i.e. what I had recieved in my breaking past life soul contracts constellation, myself as a living structure holding so much abundance) - but in this constellation I received sadness, heaviness. And the Page of Swords reversed - anxiety, uncertainty, holding back, self-criticism.

Can I hold abundance? Am I touching an old part that struggles with this belief? Or am I dealing with a physical block - a body that feels too stuck, too heavy, too stiff to get itself moving and adventuring and finding the opportunities I need?

I attune myself again to my new self and the sadness, holding both. The sadness shows me a small child curled up in prison. I can't reach the child, he won't look at me or let himself be held. This is my sadness and its message is The Nine of Pentacles reversed - a card of self-worth and an inner question of whether I am enough, charging enough, valuing myself enough. It would make sense that I can't hold the wealth that's available to me if I still don't value myself enough to get out and track it down, sell myself, charge properly for my services.

Something in me doesn't believe I deserve this, or that I'm good enough for it. It's connected somehow to my body and its heaviness.

Doing this constellation makes me feel enormously guilty honestly. I feel as though I'm asking for money and it feels fundmentally wrong. Even if I really try and express this as 'abundance in all it's forms', or 'just enough to feel value', to be 'able to survive'. It still feels immoral and I feel like I'll be punished for asking.

I guess this is the tension - between desire and doubt, trust and fear, soul and survival. It's what it looks and feels like to rewire a relationship with worth.

I created a new Soul Constellation to explore further.

A Constellation of The Currency of My Soul

to Clarify the Path Between Survival, Spirit, and Soul-Aligned Abundance

The Resonance

I stand in the centre resonating for Me Now and immediately feel overwhelmed by so many objects and parts and the pressure to make sense of it all.

Survival Mode felt huge - a chose a tiny pebble for this representation and yet it felt more like the Moo Deng hippo toy I chose for Me Now. Telling me that I'm still very much feeling myself in Survival Mode, merged.

My True Soul Offering felt better - this was light, crisp and clean. I felt able to face inwards to the circle without overwhlem and to offer the object on my palm.

But then as I turned to Receiving with Integrity I felt collapse, dizziness. My body couldn't conceive of what it was like to recieve without shame - I didn't have that pattern in me available to the resonance.

I tried to get to Shame Around Money but still reeling from Receiving with Integrity I felt myself so faint and sick from this scared part I had to put it down instantly.

I was like a woman drowning as I made my way to Spiritual Trust and grasped this feather like it would save me. I had to sit down and regather myself, deeply relieved to be with Spiritual Trust.

The Soul Messages

Survival Mode message is clear - I'm being called to my highest potential, but first, I must let go of the unhealthy attachments or limiting beliefs that hold me back. Often, when you are called to something ‘more’, you must deal with your shadows before you can step into this new version of yourself. I must release this fear and the limiting beliefs that come with it. This is a throwback to The Threshold of The Devils Vagina.

Exactly the same message - just let go, step through.

5 of Fire from My True Soul Offering - a card of choice. To change the world you must first change yourself. If this is what I want to offer (it is...) then I have to change the way I hold my power - so that it contributes to my own happiness and to creating community.

The Maze from Receiving with Integrity...of course. The most important central message of this constellation...

“The great unmaking has just begun. The old ways are still to be undone.” The Maze (Witches Wisdom)

The dizziness, the bigness, the “I can’t make sense of this” feeling— sacred disorientation, the undoing of logic-based control. My ego tried to map the parts, but my soul has other plans. I need to let go of the idea that I can control this, I must feel my way into it, not figure it out.

I asked to step into a new structure of abundance. What came forward was that first, there is the unmaking of the old structure’s scaffolding. I'm still merged with Survival Mode, there is still an Exile who carries self-worth beliefs that make holding abundance impossible. These aspects must be dealt with first, I'm trying to jump ahead when I've only been working with these financial constellation parts for about a week now.

10 of Cups reversed from Shame around Money - exiled from joy, stability, family "I don't believe I can belong to that happy family life". Disconnection from love, shining too brightly means excommunication.

The High Priestess is my Soul Anchor - her message is literally trust... in sacred wisdom, the divine feminine, my intuition. This was what gave me my real stability in the constellation, this is what I clung to and what I was shown will be the anchor for me. Not financial, not old power structures.

Then the message from my Highest Self - The Judgement card calls us to rise up and embrace a higher level of consciousness for the service of our Highest Good. It comes when we are experiencing a spiritual awakening and realising that we are destined for so much more. It is like a cosmic up-levelling! It asks me to tune in to a higher frequency. To let go of my old self and step into this newest version of who I really am.

I vow to walk the path before I demand the reward.
I vow to rest in Mystery and not rush the unfolding.
I vow to trust that what I am becoming will know how to receive.

I tried to move forward but was shown I need to meet myself where I am.

You can't bypass 'becoming' and you can't turn mystery into a method. Rituals aren't 'magic', they show you where to work, but they don't replace the hard work of being present enough with yourself to notice a behaviour or a belief from an old identity and choosing differently in the moment.

I tried this and the field, the cards, the resonance—they all rose to mirror that. Not to shame me, but to save me from collapsing this sacred journey into yet another form of striving. Another way to bypass trust.

Its known to Mystics as The Dark Gate. The moment when you reach for magic or guidance and the answer is 'no'. Not because it isn't there but because this isn't the way to recieve it. Not by demand, not by method, and not without walking the path through The Maze with my own feet.

It's the moment of reaching a deeper spiral - where the true alchemy begins.

If this resonates…

You may be longing to step forward—into abundance, visibility, your next creative offering—yet find yourself held back by something unseen.
Perhaps you've done set the intentions, made the dream board, and still feel a quiet drag at your heels.
An old identity, a pattern, or a lingering burden or belief may be asking to be witnessed before you can move freely.

This temple ritual is for those who sense they’re on the edge of something new…
but suspect an echo from the past still tethering them.

Together, we track that thread to its origin,
so your path forward becomes clear, light, and true.